Paleo Indians + History = Comedy

I was enjoying a lazy Saturday morning at home when I missed a call from a friend of mine who shoots films for the History Channel. His message said this:

"I need someone of your build and your look to be a Paleo Indian; you know, the first people on this continent. It'll be a bunch of running around, simulating mammoth hunts, fun stuff. Give me a call."

If it's anything like the last shoot I did for him, in which I played an ancient Habiru warrior, it should be a hoot. It all started when I answered a craigslist post seeking actors who are "athletic, long haired, unshaven, and semitic looking." Ding, ding, ding, and ding!

Coming soon: footage of me being a Habiru.
Coming later: footage of me pretending to hunt a mammoth.

Vitamin Teeth

This is what happens when we don't have a show for a few days and I start drinking eggnog.

My First (and Last) Stripper

I may never have seen a stripper if it weren't for touring. Why else would I have been at a rodeo cowboy bachelor party in South Dakota?

Seeing a stripper has never been a priority of mine, as I'm both a feminist and stingy. But after my experience, strippers are in fact a priority in my life, in that I hope to never see one again.

We'd been hiking in the Badlands all day and were persuaded by Seth to stop for "just one drink" at a bar. And that was it's name: "Bar." Little did we know that we'd wandered into a wild and crazy last night out for a rider on the rodeo circuit. When we walked in, it was definitely a little weird. "It" mainly being Zach's hair. But by the end of the night, the cowboys had bought us so many drinks that one of us ended up throwing up on the side of the highway. I won't say which Late Night Player it was, but his name was "Seth." (There were two then.)

Despite the fact that I used to dress like they do for real on Halloween, we all found enough common ground to develop a real camaraderie with the bachelor and his "pardners." It went a little something like this:

Them: We hate big government!
Us: So do we!
Them: We tour the Western half of the U.S.
Us: We tour the Eastern half of the U.S.!
Them: We're ranchers!
Seth: I'm a vegetarian!
Them: We're going to f*cking kill your p*ssy *ss!

When Seth clarified that he wasn't an "environmentalist," tempers died down.

There was much talk about how the girls had come all the way from Sioux City, which I think just meant that they weren't overweight. Still, I found their display unarousing and somewhat embarrassing. Instead, we all turned our attention to a naked girl who made us feel right at home: the owner's dog.

Off Kilt-er

Besides peeing at Tim Horton’s, the LNP have yet to go “international.”

It’s a shame, because we’re a perfect fit for audiences abroad. At least that's what the students at one school in rural New York thought. When we walked into their cafeteria, everyone stopped what they were doing and someone whispered “Who are those international guys?” The answer was “Jews.”

Maybe it’s because we haven’t done the outreach, but maybe it’s because we were so burnt by our first, and last, attempt to stretch our borders. Here is an actual excerpt from an e-mail I received from a Scottish theater owner back in '03. As a fresh faced college graduate new to the entertainment biz, I was surprised at how quickly Interpol and Scotland Yard were dragged into things.

“Interpol are now asking for all the evidence i have eg e mails etc this is for their investigation… on a fun note im really looking forward to seeing you guys here… i still think you lot are a hoot he he he anyhow see you soon you owe my company £1000.”

As you may have guessed, we didn’t end up performing at his theater. And he didn’t end up getting squiggly L 1000 dollars from us.

Now here's a creepy picture from a how-to-tie-a-kilt website:

Turkey and Rice

Today the New York Times ran the following:

"Rice in Baghdad as Tensions With Turkey Rise"

The skirmish between Kurdish rebels and Turkish troops is a serious international conflict in an area that is no stranger to violence and political turmoil. Still, if you pretend that a "Baghdad" is some type of cooking vessel, the headline sounds a lot like a casserole recipe. In fact, here are different images that come up as "turkey and rice."

More Bizarre Google Searches

Here are even more weird phrases that people have searched for on google only to end up at LOL, USA. Bear in mind that these are all since my last post on the same subject:

-haircuts for toddler springfield mo
-difference between scuppernong and muscadine grapes
-gayest sketch comedy time travel
-Gandalf is gay
-chafing on my vagina

Judging by these searches, one can only assume that I run a blog about vagina haircuts for gay toddlers who live in Missouri and like grapes. Ironically, I do now. Because if anyone searches for that phrase, I think I know where they'll wind up.

What Is Awkward Turtle?

Only the coolest phrase/gesture combo since "schwing!" Watch and learn. If you still don't know why the kids are saying it, check here.

Seek and Ye Shall Find

While many paths lead to Rome, it turns out that many google searches lead to LOL, USA. I have no way of knowing exactly who reads these words, but I do have the power to look up what people have googled to find my blog. So I thought I would share with you some of the more interesting actual search terms that people like you, or perhaps you yourself, have used to get here.

The most random search that directed people here was for the phrase "springfield mo usa turkish foods in market." Well, either that or "India vagina cream." I’m proud to be the fourth hit on google for anyone searching those words. Same goes for "moles on my vagina."

Someone discovered me by way of searching for "seth, arrested,” and apparently I’m also very popular for those looking for info on the town of Cheesequake.

I’m flattered that someone out there recently searched for “Comedian Aaron Kagan,” and that I’m one of the top hits for “relationship between comedy and tragedy.” And a hearty welcome to all those seeking "guys and exercise.” I trust you’ve found what you were looking for.

In the end, I’d like to say that the biggest draw for my blog is the sparkling wit with which I parlay my adventures on tour. But it’s not. It’s Elizabeth Berkley. On 11/19, I embedded a photo of her licking a stripper’s pole from the film “Showgirls,” and my numbers have never been the same. So without further ado, I’ll just give you what I know you came here for:

Naked and Alone

I don't know what it is about touring, but whenever I get my own hotel room, the first thing I do is take off all my clothes. Somehow, it helps.

Festival of Light(ers)

While the snow piled up on the waterslides outside, we were snug in our hotel room after a long day of touring on this, the third night of Chanukah. But when we gathered around the travel menorah, we realized that we only had two matches left. If you’re Jewish, you know that means we wouldn’t be able to light the menorah for the next few nights. And you knew that because Jews are good with numbers.

But just when it looked like all was lost, a miracle occurred. The miracle of butane.

Apparently, the previous renter of our Altima had forgotten their lighter under the driver seat. This modern day miracle was just as impressive as the one that started it all so long ago. After all, wether it's olive oil or lighter fluid, the price of fuel is a lot higher now than it was back then. Plus matches aren't as easy to come by as you think. Many restaurant foyers only have toothpicks and mints.

The View

There are a few things that I find strange about the view from our hotel window here in Columbus, OH. It’s strange to see waterslides in snow. It’s strange to see waterslides next to a highway. And it’s very strange to see a sign that says “How the West Was Wet.” The West has been notoriously dry since the Pleistocene Era.

But the strangest thing, and the saddest, is that access to the water park wasn’t included with the room.

It's Not the Hewlett Packard Alliance...

Sorry printer fans, but the "HP" stands for Harry Potter. Yes, the HP Alliance is a project of Andrew's which "is dedicated to bringing together Harry Potter fans from everywhere to spread love and fight the Dark Arts in the real world." Also, their logo looks like a lot like the icon for a defibrillator. Check out their latest here:

http://cdn.libsyn.com/pottercast/HPApodcast2.mp3

http://thehpalliance.org/darfurfast

Politics!

Now that I've got your attention, check out the latest video from MC Mr. Napkins:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wPVPgYBwGQg

Just kidding, this is it:

Masai Called Life

In her debut show on MTV, Claire Danes faced the trials and tribulations of becoming an adult. At a talk I heard this weekend, the speaker faced similar difficulties when, at the age of eighteen, he had to kill a lion.

He was a fascinating speaker and managed to mix in moments of levity while talking about the challenges faced by his tribe: the Masai. When he accidentally knocked over the mic stand, he said "I'm sorry, I don't know machines, just lions." He also said that when you kill your lion, you get a woman. He then gave a knowing look to the crowd. I imagined those sensitive Cantabrigian men sitting around me being instantly devoured.

It happened at the annual Cultural Survival Bazaar in Cambridge this past weekend. There you can buy such indigenous handcrafts as llama wool socks and buffalo toe dream catchers, all while drinking fair trade hot cocoa and mingling with people who seem to hate make-up.

You can visit the website of the organization the Masai fellows works with here: http://www.quenchthethirst.org/ . They focus on drilling wells so Masai women don't have to walk fifteen miles every day to draw water. The organization started when a young college student donated enough for the first well, which in her honor is now referred to as "Christina."