How to Have the Flu and Tour

Option 1: Don’t.

Option 2: No need to be a hero and drive all the way from Vermont to Detroit. Let Zach do it. You sit shotgun, moaning.

When you get to the Ramada in Buffalo, specify a non smoking room since you’re already in pretty bad shape and don’t need any extra carcinogens. When they still give you a smoking room, complain. While they’re getting your new room ready, shiver.

The next day, let Zach drive again.

When you get to the Howard Johnson in Pennsylvania, turn the heat on in your room, because it hasn’t been turned on yet that winter. When you notice that all of the heat is just being blown behind the curtain, hallucinate that it’s Marilyn Monroe over the sewer grate. Once you’re thinking clearly again, redirect the hot air by blocking off the curtain with a clock radio on top of a lamp. Crawl into bed already in your sleeping bag, still wearing your winter jacket and ski cap. Want to die. Hear the clock radio fall.

For breakfast, eat a saltine. Feel nauseous. Don’t eat again that day.

Take Dayquil. Wish it was stronger.

Drink lots of fluids. Wish it did jack shit.

Suffer.

Wait.

See Option 1.

Aaron Kagan is so funny, it's sick.