Oh, The Things You Didn't Know I Did Today

We dwell anonymously, flying down the interstate at odd hours between semi-major metropolitan areas, lodging where it’s least expensive, performing for people who can’t afford the Black Eyed Peas. Most people don’t understand that you can make your living as a performer without their having heard of you. Well we're everywhere, and you had no idea.

For every Johnny Depp there’s a thousand guys like me lurking around the rest stops of major highways, sleeping in the Motel 6’es of America, hawking our wares to anyone who can afford a show fee plus four meals (two vegan, please).

We once descended upon the office of a Jewish community center somewhere in the Midwest to use their computers. I guess they thought we were coming over to juggle and tell jokes, because they were surprised when we just said “hi” and parked in front of four monitors, fingers flying, keys clacking, our faces reflecting the cool, blue glow of the PC screens. When we’re not performing, we’re working. If we had normal jobs, we’d be rich.

Today you might have read about Brittney’s first post rehab outing, but I bet you didn’t know how many times I had to spell “Reibstein” for a mechanic in Kentucky. That mechanic’s name? Actually Mike Hunt.

I also:

-priced out travel to a prep school in Georgia
-ate a burrito
-left a message at a bar in Kent, Ohio where we forgot a vest, beret, and mustache
-used a toothpick
-cashed a claim check from when somebody tried to break into the van in Peoria
-missed my family
-found out the guy who edited our last anti-Walmart video also made the controversial Obama you tube video
-stared out the window
-looked over an application for us to tour military bases in Afghanistan
-cried a little
-edited a script in which a member of Aerosmith will be playing Borat

And what did Johnny Depp do? Probably just drink champagne and cackle.